This has been a hard week. My first college loan payment, work hiccups, a cold front that I was completely unprepared for, and the nagging feeling that I should be doing something more productive– writing or doing laundry or cleaning my kitchen or working out or going to bed 15 minutes ago– have left me feeling emotionally drained and physically exhausted. Basically I was Liz Lemon by Wednesday.
It feels kind of lame to say, but I’m still adjusting to post-grad life. 2014 has been “the year” for so long– the year I would graduate college, the year I’d get my first job, the year I’d get married. The year my life would begin (cue Tangled intro). But now I’m on the other side of 2014, and 2015 is about to start and I am terrified. Instead of working toward the big events that come with big twinkly lights, my life is happening in small steps, repeated over and over and over until I reach little mini events; a paycheck, a weekend trip to California, my birthday (when Taylor Swift’s 22 will officially not apply to me anymore). I was never good at the small “busy work” projects in school, and now it seems like my life is all busy work. I’m trying to learn to embrace the process.
It’s weird to be part of a stereotype (millennials), and have it both fit you and not fit you at the same time (i.e. I’m feeling a little lost, but I am “responsible” according to the “grown-up’s” definition of responsibility- living on my own, having a job, etc.). And honestly the fact that I’m “responsible” and have a job doesn’t necessarily have to do much with me being actually responsible; I’m so so so lucky that Teddy and I both have jobs. I know so many people who graduated recently who are still job hunting or are stuck at totally crappy jobs. Which is really sad, cause they’re all smart, hardworking people. I wish I could give them all jobs, but Teddy always tells me I can’t adopt all the cats, and I can’t give everyone all the jobs. And that sucks. I swear if I read one more judgmental article about millennials I might find the author and punch them; I fully understand the irony of saying that while I’m talking about being a millennial. I’m sorry, but this is my ramble. Go write your own if you don’t like it.
Luckily there have been bright spots to this week. I started watching Arrested Development (because I’m literally the worst at keeping up with shows while they’re airing). I talked to my Mom for 2 hours on Sunday. There were blackberry morning buns for my mornings (and maybe a couple afternoons and evenings). I have food to eat and a place to sleep and a husband and cat to cuddle. I have a library card to borrow new books. I watch Top Chef on Wednesdays, just like I did in high school while I washed the dishes– that sameness is oddly comforting. Christmas is coming and I think I actually get more excited every year. Today is Friday (Thank God).
And even though this week has been crummy on the writing front, I’ve learned some things. I loved those blackberry morning buns I mentioned earlier, but I just couldn’t bring myself to write the recipe out for a blog post (which is why this post is coming on Friday instead of Thursday). Recipe posts are by far the hardest for me to write. For a while I was wondering if maybe I wasn’t cut out for recipe writing, but then I thought that maybe my process just needs some tweaking. So I guess we’ll see!
I also realized that the story idea I’m working about right now began in my creative writing class from last fall. Which means that I’ve been working on this idea (off and on) for a whole year, which is huge considering how many times I’ve given up on my ideas before. So that makes me think that this story has something going for it, even if I sometimes worry it’s stupid and dumb and no one will like it.
So to sum up, here’s what I’ve been thinking about as 2014 winds down:
- Learn to embrace the process.
- Don’t compare yourself to the 30 year-old bloggers or ladies working in your office who seem to be better at everything than you. They’ve had more time to get their house decorated/ cookbooks written/ life together. It isn’t a race. (The 30-year-old part applies to me specifically, but seriously, don’t beat yourself up because someone else seems more successful. It’s no fun, and it doesn’t help you get there any faster.)
- Stop creating the worst scenarios in your head all the time. It’s good for novel-writing… not so much for normal life. this is good to remember.
- Find new ways to eat your veggies, but don’t forget ice cream and cookies sometimes (like I’d forget. Ha!).
- I started reading The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, and I’m not really into it. I feel like I’m reading Moby Dick with Superman as the big white whale. I’m going to give it a few more chapters, but if I’m still apathetic about it, I’m putting it down. I always feel a little guilty about not finishing a book, but I’m going to chalk it up to not being what I need right now. And that’s ok. Have you read it? Does it get any better later on? Am I the only person who doesn’t like this book?